Weezer (nearly everything after Pinkerton)

Before I begin, I must add that this is not a complete boycott. There is nothing Weezer could do in the future to make me disapprove of the Blue Album and Pinkerton, and they still manage to put out a good song once in awhile. Still, their past glory makes their current struggles that much harder to handle.

I'll say it. Weezer's new album is shit. Weezer's last album was shit. And the album before that. Hell, before that, the green album clocked in at a brisk 28 minutes long, so do we really count that solo-less disaster? (I can handle a short album if it's good, like Pinkerton.) I don't even know why I got my hopes up. Weezer must be trying hard to usurp George Lucas for the title of "Things I look back fondly upon, yet disgust me today."

There are exactly three songs from the last four albums that I would listen to: Island in the Sun, Perfect Situation, and Pork and Beans (even though the lyrics are terrible.) Not exactly a ringing endorsement of a band that formerly dominated garage/indie rock. I just don't get it. Why simplify every song and start sucking? Is it that hard to write good music these days?

I have a theory, and it goes like this--Weezer releases the blue album, and it goes 3x platinum. Two years later, Pinkerton comes out, and only goes gold. Rivers Cuomo is upset by the critical backlash/lack of fan support for this album, which is much more personal in nature. Basically, he gets all kinds of pissed off like a little girl. After a break, Weezer returns, with a tight, radio-friendly sound and simple songs. Green album goes platinum. Rivers has his revenge, by basically saying "If you didn't like the good music I made, I'm going to force crap down your throat and you'll like it just because Weezer makes it. It's all you're getting."

Gee, thanks Rivers. You know you're sucking when "Beverly Hills" is the lead single for an album. Weezer has ruined their good name. I'll never forget the old stuff, but from now on, NO NEW WEEZER!

George Lucas

Let's get one thing straight before I start bashing away-- George Lucas used to be awesome. After all, the man brought us Indiana Jones, Willow, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia's Metal Bikini. 

Unfortunately, someone turned off the idea faucet at Lucasfilm, ltd. Old Georgie hasn't had a good idea in nearly two decades. That's right, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was 1989. All he's done since then is systematically destroy my childhood memories. 

Remember the last time Star Wars was cool? I do too. 1999, the year The Phantom Menace came out. Before Jar Jar and an eight-year-old combined to ruin one of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Star Wars was awesome. It was nerdy for the uber-geeks, scored perfectly for the music aficionados, beautiful for the film snobs, and had a compelling story for everyone else. Then... you know the rest. Jar Jar. Hayden Christianson. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

After making a kajillion dollars and tarnishing his legacy forever, George had one remaining hope in revitalizing Indiana Jones. (Sadly, I have no hope for a Willow revival. Plus, Val Kilmer really let himself go.) After Episodes I-III, I was giving him one shot. What did he do with that shot? ALIENS. freaking aliens. Game over, man. Game over.

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull was el terrible, which I believe is Spanish for "the terrible." I have already written a lengthy rant on facebook detailing the film's numerous shortcomings, so I won't recount them here. I just don't have the energy to properly rage against this movie at the moment, it's all been sucked out of me like a mysterious communist mind control device has taken over my brain. I'll sum up Indy 4 by saying it was basically "Indiana X-files and the National Treasure writers search for more cash, but really only find a ridiculous deus ex machina while ripping off the Mummy." Ugh.

George Lucas--I'll never go see another movie that has your name attached to it. I mean that. I'll still treasure the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies along with your assorted hits from the 80s, but that's it. You're dead to me. You're more dead to me than Weezer, who manages to scatter at least a little greatness amongst the waste they keep foisting upon the masses. (Weezer boycott coming next week.) In short--I hope George Lucas drowns in all his money. Literally.

McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Biscuit

I probably should be boycotting all of McDonald's menu items for health reasons, but I'm boycotting this particular sandwich for one simple reason-- it's not what it says it is.

More accurately, it's not what McDonald's advertising team says it is. This is not a revolution. This is not the "introduction of chicken for breakfast" as they would have you believe. This isn't even an original idea. Do you know how McDonald's probably came up with this sandwich? One of their executives probably was hankering for a breakfast snack, and since he knows better than to eat at his own establishment he stopped at Chik-fil-a. Well, as you may know, Chik-fil-a INVENTED the chicken sandwich, and has been doing "chicken for breakfast" since at LEAST 2004 when "chick-n-minis" clucked onto the menu. Oh, they also make a chicken biscuit--the same style biscuit that McDonald's perpetrates to have thought up this year. I'm picturing the soulless executive biting into the Chick-fil-a biscuit and thinking, "Hot damn this is good! we should sell this ourselves. Hmmm, but we need to make it our own. I know, we'll just SAY we made it up. We're McDonald's, what are you going to do about it?" And the rest was questionable history.

I don't even need to describe the pre-McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Biscuit heaven that is the Whataburger Honey-butter Chicken Biscuit (HBCB) since sadly, Whataburger is not a nationwide chain. However, I guarantee that it is better than the fowl-fueled abortion McDonald's is offering.

So please, do not buy this ripoff sandwich from McDonald's. Treat yourself to the original instead, and feel better about yourself at night.

1. Heineken

Heineken suffers from many flaws, such as taste, douche-ness, and being expensive without being good. However, the most egregious problem with Heineken is their currently shitty ad campaign.

Back in the day, Heineken used good ads to bond with consumers--it was the kind of beer that people "in the know" wanted to drink. Now, it has become the kind of beer that people from Dallas drink while wearing shiny shirts and talking about how awesome their leased 3-series is. Yikes, not so good. Let me describe a recent Heineken ad for you:

Guy shows up at a party with a Heineken mini-keg, a huge sandwich (with smoked gouda) and can't open the door. Another guy sees him struggling, grabs the mini-keg to "help" and waltzes in the door acting like he brought the beer. He is now the life of the party, and all women swoon to his mini-keg tapping abilities.

What is this ad saying, that total douchebags love to drink Heineken? The original guy needs to write this party off as a lost cause and smash the beer thief in the face with the sandwich. I mean, he's already been shunned for bringing an inferior party favor, but this way he can guarantee that the other guy at least gets what he has coming. THIS MAN NEEDS TO BE EXPOSED! He's a fraud, a cheapskate, and a royal douche. and he drinks Heineken.

So I'm boycotting Heineken, because ads like this are so bad I never want to be associated with a product like this ever again.

Why this site exists

Remember the last time you were so angry you threw a remote control through your television set? No? Well, I don't either, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Still, there are tons of things that frustrate me much more than they ever should. That's just something I have to deal with, and if I'm going to deal with it, why not do that in a public forum, right?

So here it is--Things I'm Boycotting. Because there are tons of idiots out there that have no idea how stupid their ideas really are. Many of these people work at advertising agencies and thusly subject the rest of us consumers to their "great ideas." The only way to get back at these people? Boycott the products they sell, or call them morons on the internet. Or both. Ok, so there's nothing we can do to actually "get back at them" but they still need to be mocked. Here we go.